Buffy To U

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,

"Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,

"I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered:

"Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.



A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize How warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy , and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story: (1) not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Here is a little help to get you started with finding recipes on the Internet. You can go to any company, like www.ortega.com, or www.kraftfoods.com, and then just follow their directions to recipes.

There are also sites which are not name brand companies, like www.mom-mom.com. Click "Let's Cook" and then you can search for recipes. This is probably one of the easiest sites I have found and it is filled with many recipes.

Another great site is www.eat.com. I found this on a jar of Ragu. It's an easy site filled with great recipes. Just click on "Recipes" and check the box with the type of recipe you are looking for. There are an abundance of recipes, even light and healthy ones.

These recipes have nutritional information per serving and can fit on a 4″ x 6″ index card. Just print, cut, and glue.

By Louise Thompson

1. Read plays. Read any dialogue out loud; perform a few scenes with friends.

2. Choose your story. Many plays begin as novels, short stories, or fables. What will you choose? It's still your play if you add scenes and dialogue. Copying a story can get you into trouble, so use only the basic plot from the original. And remember to credit the author of the story you use.

3. Understand plotting, of course, you can also choose to write something original. If you do, try these ideas: Begin with action; make characters seem like real people; have a major character who wants something that's important but hard to get; and make every word count.

4. Keep it Short. Start with a one-act play of no more than four scenes; don't let actors get dizzy running around.

5. Keep it simple. Write a play that can be performed in everyday clothes or simple costumes. Don't worry about whether props look "real"; if the story and acting are good, the audience will hardly notice if the "tree" is a ladder.

6. Keep the cast small. TOO many characters make a plot hard to follow. Stick with two or three major roles plus a few "extras."

7. Know what you'll do with your play. Will you show it to your family for fun? Enter a playwriting contest? Sell tickets to the public?

8. Format your script so actors can understand what you want. Reading other plays will help you learn the basic format. Make it easy for actors to tell directions from dialogue, and obvious who speaks when. And remember: "Stage right" means the actors' right, not the audience's right.

9. Rewrite at least once. After completing your first draft, put it aside for a week, then reread it to see what needs improvement. (Something always does!) It can help to have someone else read it, too.

10. Rehearse! Even if this is a school project and won't be produced, it'll be a better play if you gather some friends and perform your play for practice; only then will you know if it really works.

Bonus Tip

Have fun! Don't fret about getting things perfect. Enjoy your play!

And remember Appleseeds when you become the next Shakespeare!

By Katherine Swartz