Buffy To U

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,

"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,

"Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says,

"I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
the eagle and asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered:

"Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must
be sitting very, very high up.



A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize How warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy , and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story: (1) not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Here is a little help to get you started with finding recipes on the Internet. You can go to any company, like www.ortega.com, or www.kraftfoods.com, and then just follow their directions to recipes.

There are also sites which are not name brand companies, like www.mom-mom.com. Click "Let's Cook" and then you can search for recipes. This is probably one of the easiest sites I have found and it is filled with many recipes.

Another great site is www.eat.com. I found this on a jar of Ragu. It's an easy site filled with great recipes. Just click on "Recipes" and check the box with the type of recipe you are looking for. There are an abundance of recipes, even light and healthy ones.

These recipes have nutritional information per serving and can fit on a 4″ x 6″ index card. Just print, cut, and glue.

By Louise Thompson

1. Read plays. Read any dialogue out loud; perform a few scenes with friends.

2. Choose your story. Many plays begin as novels, short stories, or fables. What will you choose? It's still your play if you add scenes and dialogue. Copying a story can get you into trouble, so use only the basic plot from the original. And remember to credit the author of the story you use.

3. Understand plotting, of course, you can also choose to write something original. If you do, try these ideas: Begin with action; make characters seem like real people; have a major character who wants something that's important but hard to get; and make every word count.

4. Keep it Short. Start with a one-act play of no more than four scenes; don't let actors get dizzy running around.

5. Keep it simple. Write a play that can be performed in everyday clothes or simple costumes. Don't worry about whether props look "real"; if the story and acting are good, the audience will hardly notice if the "tree" is a ladder.

6. Keep the cast small. TOO many characters make a plot hard to follow. Stick with two or three major roles plus a few "extras."

7. Know what you'll do with your play. Will you show it to your family for fun? Enter a playwriting contest? Sell tickets to the public?

8. Format your script so actors can understand what you want. Reading other plays will help you learn the basic format. Make it easy for actors to tell directions from dialogue, and obvious who speaks when. And remember: "Stage right" means the actors' right, not the audience's right.

9. Rewrite at least once. After completing your first draft, put it aside for a week, then reread it to see what needs improvement. (Something always does!) It can help to have someone else read it, too.

10. Rehearse! Even if this is a school project and won't be produced, it'll be a better play if you gather some friends and perform your play for practice; only then will you know if it really works.

Bonus Tip

Have fun! Don't fret about getting things perfect. Enjoy your play!

And remember Appleseeds when you become the next Shakespeare!

By Katherine Swartz

THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT. Here are the 10 first place winners (according to someone) in the International Pun Contest:

1.) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2.) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!

3.) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4.) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5.) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6.) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in t he lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7.) A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8.) A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to clo s e down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9.) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally,

10.) There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Louisa May Alcott kept a journal, or diary, from the time she was old enough to express her thoughts on paper. Her parents kept extensive journals of their own and required the same of their daughters. Bronson's journal consisted of 61 volumes by the time he stopped writing at age 82. Abba frequently read Louisa's journal and left encouraging notes for Louisa about her writing and keeping her temper in check.

Try keeping your own journal for a month. Get a notebook and start writing about what is going on in your life and how you feel about it. Here are some tips for keeping a journal:

1. Write something every day. The more you write, the better you will get.
2. Try to set aside a special time to write each day. Early morning is a good time for some people. Others like to collect their thoughts just before bedtime.
3. A journal is a private book, so concentrate on recording your thoughts and ideas and do not worry about spelling and punctuation at first.
4. Do not throw anything away. A journal is a record of your growth. What you write today may look silly a few months later, but it was important at the time.

AND CONSIDER THIS…

* A journal can be a record of important occurrences: Big and small events may be happening in your life or in the world around you.

* A journal is a great place to write down dreams and nightmares. Putting them on paper may help you to understand yourself and the visions you have when you sleep. When Louisa was ill, she had some very strange dreams and frightening nightmares, which she recorded in her journal.

* A journal helps you analyze your beliefs and opinions. It is a private book, so you can make mistakes, freely express your feelings, and change your mind as often as you like.

* A journal is a storage space for story ideas. The next time your English teacher requests a story. or a poem, your journal can provide you with a month's worth of ideas. Louisa's most successful novels are about the people and things she knew best: Authors stick to subjects they know.

* A journal is an excellent way to get to know yourself better. When you reread it, you may be astonished at how much you have forgotten. Or, you may be impressed with how your ability to express yourself has changed over time!

By Mary Baldwin, Cobblestone